Po’ Richard on Wealth-Build’n

My friend and favorite starving artist Jenn Mattern of Breed ‘Em and Weep blogged recently on her perennial financial woes, but bounced back to her usual hilarity with an introduction to the wonders of Gizoogle.

If you’ve read my founding post, you know that I have a soft spot for founding father Ben Franklin, whose pithy proverbs in Poor Richard’s Almanac put most of today’s financial advice to shame.  It’s a little-known fact that although Latin was the language of choice for the writings of many founding fathers, Franklin preferred to write in Jive. 

So I offer you some of my favorite Poor Richard maxims in their original Gizoogled tongue. See if you can figure them out (the first one’s a lay-up), and then click here for the modern translations:

1. Early ta bed n early ta rise, makes a dawg healthy, wealthy n wise.

2. Creditors have killa memories thizzan debtors.

3. Bitchez n wine, game n deceit, makes tha wealth smiznall n tha wants great.

4. The cracka is slave ta tha cracka n tha debtor ta tha creditor.

5. He thizzat lives on hope wizzy die saggin’.

6. Creditors is a superstizzles sizzect, bootylicious brotha of set days n times.

7. He T-H-to-tha-izzat goes mackin’ goes dippin’.

8. Always chillin’ out of tha meal-tub n gangsta trippin’ in, soon comes ta tha bottom.

9. Industry pays debts, while despair increazes them.

10. A thick kitchen makes a lean wizzay.

11. Beware of shawty expenses; a small leak wizzy sink a bootylicious shizzip.

12. Buy wizzle thou hast no need of, n ere long thous S-H-to-tha-izzalt S-to-tha-izzell thy necessizzles.

13. At the workingman’s hizouse, hunga looks in, but dares not drug deala.

14. For age n want, save while you mizzle; No morn’n sun lasts a whole day.

15. Gain may be temporary n uncertain; but ever while you live expense is constant n certain. Ill stap that taste out yo mouf.

16. Tis gangsta ta build two chimneys thissan ta keep one in fuel.

17. Brotha go ta bed supperless than rizzle in dizzy.

18. Get wizzy you ciznan, n W-H-to-tha-izzat you git hold: ‘Tis tha stone T-H-to-tha-izzat wizzy turn all yo lead into gold n shit.